Posted on April 11, 2022
Last updated on April 11, 2022
Oh, hello there!
Another fucking blog post? That's absolutely fucking right.
This one isn't going to be as long as previous posts since I want to save myself for the
next thing I've been writting quietly in the background, and don't worry, I promise you
the next post is going to be something actually fun and interesting
I just felt like writting this was necessary, and don't worry, the beginning of this post
is going to be a little bit negative, but I assure you, the more you reach towards
the end, the better it gets, so I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writting it.
Well, a few weeks ago(?), I was feeling incredibly depressive, to the point it was one of the
few times I've managed to cry after a good while, and during this whole thing, only one thing
was crossing my mind, one thought that refused to let me rest
"How better my life would be if I wasn't me"
And it's something that have bugged me through my whole life in all fairness, although it wasn't
as bad like it is nowadays ever since 2017/2018
And every time I think about it, it never fails to make me sad, because in a few ways, it's true
being the person I am brought me a lot of problems, most of them involving the perception of others
on how they see me and who they think I am, most of them pointing at me and laughing at me, thinking
I'm completely lost, I'm crazy, and never because maybe I'm just enjoying myself
and in a lot of ways even if I try to dismiss it, it hurts.
Trying to be anything besides what most people sees as "normal" will get all of the eyes in
the world on you watching every step you do to make fun of you the moment you do anything
without any regards if you if you will feel bad about it or not
Because of that, every time back in the day when I still used to go to school, people would
pick on me for being a goofy lil' guy, and at one point, people started to treat me like a
fucking animal, instantly dismissing everything I had to say or think, even if I was trying my best
to be completely serious, even when I never dismissed anyone no matter how fucking awful they acted
towards me before, and it was bad, really bad.
I'd see people having groups of friends were they were treating each other so nicely
Where they'd have fun with each other instead of making someone their whole punchbag
where someone would get serious and they wouldn't laugh at the other guy like everything that came out
of his mouth was a joke, and that made me feel incredibly miserable, and despite my best efforts to
change not only I couldn't do it, but I didn't want to
I didn't like being the serious guy, I didn't want to be completely normal, I enjoyed being silly
But I also wanted to be treated with the same respect as everyone got, and this fucking sucked
because at one point I felt really bad even trying to talk or be around anyone, since I felt the only
reason people were hanging around me was to poke fun of me, and never once they took the time to
realise that maybe I just like to be fun and get others to have fun, but I'm not an idiot
and I definitely don't like being treated as one
And this was specially true around 2018 when I had my breakup, and I still vividly remember
what happened around that time, something that played in a big part on me simply giving up
on trying to keep that relationship from falling apart completely beyond no repair, and one of the
main factors that played me into changing my name to "June" to begin with.
I love being a goofy guy in videogames, and I times I like being absolutely annoying and even
like a bit of an asshole in these games, and although most people justifiably get to hate me because
of that, some people really like that, and I end up making lots of friends and start a lot of
cool things like in-game parties or even just get people to join me in my stupidity, and it's
just the way I have fun
But she didn't like it, she hated it.
There was a point where we'd hop in online games, and I was just there trying to enjoy my time
with her, with me just being myself, and almost every time she'd say she's embarassed of me
that I should try to change, that it was hard to have fun with me, and that I should stop doing
my own thing
So I did.
I tried with everything I had in me, to not be me, and it wasn't fun
I felt like limited, I mentally visualized that it was wrong to be me, and I felt no one liked me
not even the girl I held so dearly to my heart, and it was breaking me, I was losing one of the
few things that made me feel like I had something "special" in me, and at one point, I even
stopped hanging with lots of my friends because I was either fucking depressive at all times
or I turned into an absolute bore, and I honestly don't blame anyone for doing it, I brought
that upon myself, and now I was absolutely unhappy both with everyone, and now myself.
Eventually, I threw the towel, she wanted to go, and I was tired of it all
I didn't want to, but unfortunately, I had to
But even after that, the damage was done, and I wasn't feeling like the same person anymore
I was a shell of my former self.
Things would get worse as time went on, but at some point, progress was being made
and at one point, I started to go back, back to days where I'd just do and say things because
I either found them funny or simply because I felt like it, I slowly started doing it with
online games with strangers, and eventually, I'd start doing it with friends too, either in
groups or voice calls, I was just enjoying myself and people would join me and to the same
and slowly but surely, I started regaining passion for things I liked to do back in the day
and once it hit me, the path I was heading into before couldn't be more depressing
I was essentially killing everything that I liked being, everything I was and stood for
for people that never really liked me, I was trying to be someone else, when I simply
couldn't and didn't want to
Even though I had some rough times because of my overall explosive personality, I was overall
pretty happy or at least satisfied with myself all things considered
I liked the way I was, my friends enjoyed being with me due to how I'd always get some crazy
ideas or say something incredibly weird or silly that was pretty much guaranteed to get a
laugh or two out of the situation, the people around me would instantly recognize me, because
you simply couldn't find anyone else like me, of course, you'd be able to find someone similar
to me, but only I could do and say things the way I did, and no matter how insignifcant that might
sound, it still means something, because if I were to be someone else, I'd lose everything
that made me unique or slightly fun to begin with
No matter how annoying I was, or how dumb I might sound, I was my own person
maybe not meant for greater things or even high successes, but just like everyone else, I was
in a way, irreplacable, because even if there was people that would do the same things as I did
if not better, only I could do it in a way that speaks "me"
And that, was liberating.
I felt a little bit more complete, like things were starting to make sense once again
and for once, I wasn't feeling as aimless I was feeling for a good while, and slowly but surely
I started to regain things again, I met a lot of cool people, and I also lost some
but that's just how people work some people will like you, some people will love you
some will dislike, and at times even hate you at times just because they don't like your
personality or the things that you like or find funny, and that's good people should genuinely
like or dislike you, and you shouldn't try to please everyone, because at one point
you end up pleasing no one, nor yourself
You should just do your own thing, and surely, people wil either come or move away from your life
and that's how it should be, people shouldn't force themselves to like or hate you
The reason why the world is so interesting and there's so many different types of groups out there
is not because someone is giving up their individuality to fit in somewhere
but because we all have something to add to the world or the people around us, no matter how
insignificant things might be in in the grand scheme of things, your ideas, the things you do
the things you say, the values you hold and the people you choose to hang around with make a huge
difference in the long run, even if you never reached any big heights yourself, the fact you
stumbled into someone's life at some point, most likely will change them in a way or another
small changes that might end up allowing them to be someone bigger in the future, and indirectly
even if you never know it, you contributed towards something big, because you and the person you
were inspired someone else, and in turn, the world, and that's why I say...
BE YOURSELF, NO MATTER HOW FUCKING EMBARASSING OR ANNOYING YOU MIGHT BE.
There's no problem in evolving, or even changing, but do it in a way that it doesn't kill
whatever makes you who you are, even if people wish for you to do so
Great people and great ideas only exist because someone went out of their way to do the things
they wanted to do, because someone took the initiative to follow whatever they wanted to achieve
at that time, because they either had a dream or a passion for it, instead of just regurgitating
the same ideas out to the public again
If you want to be absolutely goofy and quirky, do it. If you want to be an edgy nightmare, do it.
Do you have a passion for stupid things like Sonic? Anime? Quake? or whatever else?
Let that passion be known, and don't let anyone take it away from you.
even if others are not interested, at some point someone will, and out of that, maybe something
beautiful and genuine will be born out of it, it's not worth to destroy yourself trying to make
everyone like you or because you're so desperate to fit in somewhere, it's better to have
a genuine passion, no matter how cringy it might be in the eyes of the world, than just do things
because you're desperate for the attention or the clout, to be a forgettable success.
Embrace the cringe, and embrace thyself
You might be a nuisance in the eyes of someone else
But you're also someone special in the eyes of another
Even if people don't show it directly to you
No need to be everyone's hero
Just be a good friend, and somewhere, out there, someone will thank you for that.
It feels good to know people genuinely like you despite all of your flaws
and that's how it should be.
be genuine with everyone and yourself, and ask the same for everyone in your life
I know I always say that I wish I could be someone different, but I always regret saying that later
I'm happy being me.
I'm happy being Victor.
I'm happy being June.
I am all of me (just like that one music from Shadow The Hedgehog)
and I don't want to change, I want to improve, and I'm glad that, despite everything, I'm still me.
I have some plans for this site, and in general for my future, and I hope to kick some ass soon
It might take a while, but I'll get there
Afterall, "Victor"y is in my name, and if I refuse to keep myself down, then up is the only way to go.
I hope you got anything from reading this, and I hope you're having a nice day, I am.
Also, I just gave up and ended up creating another discord account
send me an email if you want the new handle
But that's about it
I'll see you all around.
